it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
