In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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