i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
