Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
