Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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