I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
