She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
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Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
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Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize