Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
