i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
