i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
