apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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