The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
