Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
