Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
