I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my phone needs a breathalizer
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
