Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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