so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
