It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
