He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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