I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
