theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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