my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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