I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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