Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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