There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
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There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
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If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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