he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
