so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
