i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
