why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
