im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
