It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
