I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
