What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
