the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
