I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
