yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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