I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
