Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
