if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
