Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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