Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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