I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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