So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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