I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
