I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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