'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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