I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
