remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
