Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
