All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
