it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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