Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We left the knife in your bed.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize