We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
